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Identifying a BF2142 n00b

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  • Identifying a BF2142 n00b

    INTRO

    I. What is this?

    This guide is designed to give you a better understanding of what a noob is, how to recognize them, some details about them, and how to avoid or get rid of them. It mostly applies to Battlefield 2142, which is the main targets of migrating noobs.

    II. Defining 'Noob'

    Contrary to the belief of many, a noob/n00b and a newbie/newb are not the same thing. Newbs are those who are new to some task* and are very beginner at it, possibly a little overconfident about it, but they are willing to learn and fix their errors to move out of that stage. Noobs, on the other hand, know little and have no will to learn any more. They expect people to do the work for them and then expect to get praised about it, and make up a unique species of their own. It is the latter we will study in this guide so that the reader is prepared to encounter them in the wild if needed.

    Noobs are often referred to as n00bs as a sign of disrespect toward them, and it's often hella funny, but I will refer to them as noobs during this reading.

    * Usually the topic at hand on an Internet forum.

    B. COMMON NOOB CHARACTERISTICS

    I. Noobish

    Often, but not always, noobs will attempt to communicate in their own primitive language, known as noobish. It is a variant of the hacker language that exposes them as having little intelligence or will to learn. Here is an example of some noobish. Do not attempt to comprehend it: it cannot be discerned without professionals at hand.

    stFU //an, i r teh r00rz liek emin3m, u cna go tO EHLL OR ATLE4St help m3 wit hthIS V055!!!111!!!!!!!1~~1!!`` !! LOLLOLOLLOLOLlOoLLOlollLL l u d1ck

    Although you may find this unbelievably funny and/or annoying, it is best to restrain yourself and keep from talking back to them, as they are very territorial and easily angered. This will result in their attempted verbal abuse of you, possibly backed up by other noobs, because they work in packs when doing offensive tasks. It is not an easy task to learn this language because our intelligent accent will keep it from sounding quite right when spoken. You can write some simple noobish of your own, however, by slamming your face into your keyboard repeatedly.

    II. Where to find noobs

    On the Internet, noobs make their colonies on forums. They migrate in waves, usually on weekends, and proceed to clog up bandwidth with stupid questions and sometimes even stupid answers. If you happen to be unfortunate enough to be on a board large enough to attract migrating noobs, there will hopefully be authority in charge who is smart enough to take extermination measures before they can make nests and larger colonies.

    Larger colonies can result in the mutation of some into spammers. Not commercial spammers, but pointless spammers. A noob can become one of these at any point, but the larger the amount of noobs, the more chance pointless spammers will appear.

    Off the internet, noobs appear anywhere on the battlefield.

    III. Behavior of noobs

    Since noobs are basically ignorant bastards, they have a lot in common. The most often seen characteristic is their fluency in noobish, which is why it got its own section. They will also be very self confident as if they were the absolute best at what they are in fact the worst at. Also, they are quite aggressive and self-centered, and tend to laugh a lot using many L's and O's in rapid succession (the noobish word for laughing like an ultimate retard).

    It is their instinct to assemble in packs for defense, and they often attempt to organize packs that they call teams. Unfortunately for them, teams usually result in a total loss of communication and they can often begin to fight amongst each other. These teams are quite unlike those formed by non-noobs.

    Noobs have difficulty reading English and cannot comprehend the idea of authority. Therefore, they have an all-out disregard for rules, basic or not. A good way to identify a noob (bad) vs. a newb (good) is to tell them (or have an authority tell them) which rule they are unknowingly breaking. If they respond with an apology and fix it, they are probably not a noob. If they react by insulting everything around them in rapid noobish and causing general mayhem, it is because they are a noob and have had a small seizure due to their inability to understand what is happening.

    IV. Noob religion

    Noobs follow a variation of the 1337 (sometimes 7331) religion, in which they worship the number in odd rituals and put altars in their forum avatars and signatures. They often call themselves 1337, which experts say is somewhat like calling themselves godly in a human language. It's best to not interfere with their religious fantasies and practices because that can lead to a noob uprising, which can turn a forum to mush in less than a week.

    V. More about noob habitats

    Noobs often attempt to maintain their own web pages. Some common features of these lairs are a terrible lack of content, background music, lots of pointless animated gifs, and pages that say some variation of 'tHEir isnothinG H34r yEtt LOLLOLOL!111!1!!~~~!!`! 13371337', which means 'Nothing here yet' in noobish. They will also have large, seemingly infinite **s of 88X31 affiliate buttons replaced with red X's scattered here and there, and possibly a hit counter showing a number less than 100. These habitats are numerous but fairly easy to avoid because only noobs link to them. So if you can identify a noob, don't go to its homepage. Simple as that.


    C. AVOIDING NOOBS

    I. Make sure you aren't one

    Note: This section is bilingual so even noobs can make the discovery if they haven't already.

    English (T4lk)-
    Read the above parts of this guide carefully. If you find yourself unable to comprehend any of it but are instead beginning to think about how great you are and how awesome 'teh 1337' is, you might want to play a bit more on the battlefield and get better.

    Noobish (133713371337)-
    Liek, u gott4 re3D teh gudieCAREFUl1y and tehn OMG LIEK I AM R0XX0RZ ya anD ify 0u turn into teh reTARDED u gota go 2 MY WEBP4GE LOLLOLOL!!111~11 ad check 4 warez n stfuu. if u r a **** go2HELL LOLLOLOlROFLMFAO11!!!11!! !! a/s/l pos gtg c0kc su0rz ur b00rz OLOOOLOLLLL HELP HELP HELP 1337133713371337

    II. Major noob avoiding strategies

    The main factor in attracting migrating herds of noobs is a large, 64 player map. If you find one of these, look to see if it has the management to avoid noob infestation. If not, look for a small or mid-sized server that covers the same topic so you can enjoy your time there before the noobs find it.

    Another way to keep noobs from interfering with your life is to become part of the authority on one of these servers. But that's often hard to do so you'll probably be better off avoiding larger servers first off. If you do manage to become part of the authority, however, take full advantage of it and establish extermination policies so that normal people can have a nice time without noob infestations.

  • #2
    wasn't this posted before?

    Comment


    • #3
      Not seen it but its funny. I might have been a noob on bf2 for a while lol.

      Comment


      • #4
        Don't bring Eminem into this.

        Comment


        • #5
          copy and paste

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by OneManZerg
            Don't bring Eminem into this.
            Rap:

            Retards
            Attempting
            Poetry

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by DutchDude
              Rap:

              Retards
              Attempting
              Poetry
              I suppose we will agree to disagree on that.

              Sorry to pop in whenever the topic of rap comes around on these forums, but I REALLY hate it when people think rap is **** just because they listened to one crappy 50 cent song, then acting like everyone must like rock. (I do, but it's not my main genre)

              Strangely I'm not much of an Em fan, donno know why.

              Since that was totally off topic, I will say that the one thing that screams "noob!" to me is when you're CO, and someone places constant mutiny votes on you, and if he ever suceeds, immediately moves your titan into a map corner, or tries to EMP+orb strike a moving walker, and fails miserably.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by DutchDude
                Rap:

                Retards
                Attempting
                Poetry
                Don't do that man... :shakehead:

                About the topic... I remember seeing this somewhere else...

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by DutchDude
                  Rap:

                  Retards
                  Attempting
                  Poetry
                  look dude that is just wrong:shakehead:

                  its (c)rap the c is silent

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by I..C..U
                    look dude that is just wrong:shakehead:

                    its (c)rap the c is silent
                    true, rap is just some guy saying some words into the mic with some "music" what they call singing...

                    OnTopic: lol thats realy great, now i know how to recognize a total noob

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by sol1d sn@ke
                      Since that was totally off topic, I will say that the one thing that screams "noob!" to me is when you're CO, and someone places constant mutiny votes on you, and if he ever suceeds, immediately moves your titan into a map corner, or tries to EMP+orb strike a moving walker, and fails miserably.
                      QFT

                      I also hate the n00bs who call a kick vote on anyone who kills them regularly and with ease. "zOmG!11!one1! U haf teh h@x0r!!1!1" (Translation: "I say good fellow, but you appear to be hacking.")

                      I always replay: "I have the ultimate hack, mate. I am better at this game this than you will ever be."

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        I am oblivious of your rap hatin' people . Everyone has their own taste in music.

                        ROCK

                        Rolaids
                        Oxybenzone
                        eCstasy
                        Kid corruption

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          i like rap when artist do it right like Saul williams not some **** sing about his bitches and hou's while he has a bottle of bud.

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Mattsville
                            QFT

                            I also hate the n00bs who call a kick vote on anyone who kills them regularly and with ease. "zOmG!11!one1! U haf teh h@x0r!!1!1" (Translation: "I say good fellow, but you appear to be hacking.")

                            I always replay: "I have the ultimate hack, mate. I am better at this game this than you will ever be."
                            Even worse is, if someone who is pretty decent playing this game suddenly starts a kick vote against you for killing him too many times. Happened to me once. I was playing against someone that I thought was a cool guy, good skills. Since I squadded up with others and did some teamwork, he was on the losing end most of the time and starting a kick vote. Bad...

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              i got a ban from server once for knifing the admin thre time in a row and killing him once or twice He called me a "cheating scum bag" as far as i can recall!

                              Comment

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