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MW3: IW Chief Counters Latest Outrage
IW Chief Counters Latest Community Outrage Over Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 Changes
By Aneurysm Bob
October 4, 2010
Infinity Ward unknowingly provoked outright rioting amongst the PC community AND the console community on Friday when it announced its changes to the upcoming release of MW3. IW chief Cockssen Douchebaggus released a statement on IW’s website, defending the changes. Stating that he “wants to build on the success of including the casual gamers into the COD family and making the experience more enjoyable and easier to use.” Press release as follows:
There has been a lot of outrage in the community over the proposed changes to the Call of Duty franchise recently. While resistance to change is understandable (as well as futile), the changes were made in the interest of “Gaming Justice” a movement that is beyond your ability to control and in your best interest, though you’re too stupid to know it yet. That said, allow me to explain each of the changes to the bottom-feeding, knuckle-dragging hardcore gamer that our research indicates makes up -1.8% of our customers.
No Keyboard & Mouse Support
While it may seem absurd that we won’t be supporting the long time standbys of control, we felt that controlling two non-moving objects at the same time was just too complicated for the casual gamer. While the hardcore gamers are able to intuitively use this archaic, complex system of control, the casual gamer can’t walk and chew gum at the same time and thus, often get eviscerated like a King Crab in Alaska during fishing season.
In the spirit of Gaming Justice, we’ve opted to consolidate the various controlling systems available into a single controller. Though inspired by the standard console controller, our proprietary controller differs in that it only has two buttons and no control sticks. Pressing the left button selects the nearest target that our automatic targeting system determines is most likely to be hit. Pressing the right button fires your weapon. The controller is sold separately for $79.95.
We’ve also done away with manual movement control in favor of an automatic system. Since shooting while on the move, or even handling moving and shooting separately are beyond the capabilities of the brain-dead ADD zombies that make up the casual gaming community, movement is handled automatically. Players cannot opt out of this system because it wouldn’t be fair if some could manually place their character where they wanted to while others could not, even though it requires about as much brain power as eating a bowl of Fruit Loops.
Hardware Analysis & Linking System (HAL System)
We realized that most of the people who play Call of Duty have the mental prowess of a mosquito in a coma and are not able to even sort a simple server list. In fact, the matchmaking system was even too complicated for them so we decided to remove all thought on the part of the player. While the HAL system seems like a bad idea, it really isn’t. Besides, if you don’t like it there’s nothing you can do about it anyway.
When the player starts the game and goes into the multiplayer screen, the HAL system automatically analyzes the player’s hardware and determines the games currently available that are suitable to play in. This will ensure that each game is being played by players with the exact same hardware in order to eliminate players with expensive machines turning those with cheaper machines into pinkish-red gelatinous blobs of gibbdom. While the HAL system does basically destroy the clan system, they were just a bunch of pimply-faced celibates living in their parents’ basements anyway. Use your pizza-delivery money to hire a hooker and get laid guys. Seriously.
A la Carte Weapons & Ammo
Another change is the a la carte system for weapons and ammo. Continuing on the theme of gaming justice, most casual gamers typically find a single weapon that they can hit the broadside of aircraft carrier with (usually something with high-explosive ammunition that has a guidance system, is rocket-propelled and has a blast radius approximately that of a 5 kiloton nuclear device) and use that weapon exclusively. They don’t even touch the other weapons that require actual skill to use and even hit something with.
Out of the box, the game will not come with weapons or ammo, or even body armor for that matter. You character will come with, free of charge, boxers and standard issue army boots, unless you opt for the backwater terrorist cave dwellers, in which case you will have to complete the “Beat up the Village Idiot and take his sandals” challenge to acquire some sandals.
Each weapon will be available for $10USD each. Once purchased, the DLC will be available for use, though only if ammunition is also purchased at $0.10 per round. We understand that this impacts those who favor the M60 and other machine guns but if you need a belt-fed weapon to stand a snowball’s chance in hell of hitting something, you really shouldn’t be playing the game in the first place. Try a Leapfrog game.
Though this system may seem harsh, the casual gamers don’t use 90% of the weapons in the game, so why should they pay for them? In order to appeal to them, they will not be required to pay for weapons they couldn’t use to hit the ground if they had the muzzle buried in 6 inches of dirt.
Also, body armor will be offered. Not having body armor is an option and will allow you to move like a Congressman whose wife just walked in on he and his mistress, but you will also have the survivability of T-bone in the Amazon River. Conversely, you can purchase Crypto-noob armor which will make you all but invincible, though you will only be able to move at the speed of a 1,400 pound man in a dead sprint.
Ammo Equalizer
This is the one change we are really proud of. It’s probably also the one the community hates most. The ammo equalizer automatically adjusts the effectiveness of a round using a mathematical model that takes into account hit ratio, kill-to-death ratio, ping and astrological sign.
With this system, players who suck enough *** to make a porn star jealous will have rounds that are not just one shot kill, but will actually prevent the victim from respawning until the next full moon. Conversely (that means on the other hand to the PC community), a one-man army will be using ammunition roughly equivalent in power to a 1/8” spitwad fired by an asthmatic toddler. While we understand that the really good players will have to spend massive amounts of money on ammo, gaming justice demands a level playing field. If you want to beat up on poor defenseless creatures incapable of defending themselves even with high-caliber weaponry (as in COD4: MW1), we suggest you take up clubbing baby seals.
We also recognize that some of these changes may cause the game to cost somewhere between $250 and $250,000 so, to assist the hardcore portion of the community in participating in the anal-violating experience of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3, we’re offering 10-year, 2.9%APR financing for qualified customers.
We truly believe that the changes we’ve made will vastly improve the franchise and make for a much better, more fair and righteous experience for the gaming community. And if you don’t like them, too bad. All your base belong to us anyway. See you on the battlefield!
Satire written by -=NC=- Aramus_O
By Aneurysm Bob
October 4, 2010
Infinity Ward unknowingly provoked outright rioting amongst the PC community AND the console community on Friday when it announced its changes to the upcoming release of MW3. IW chief Cockssen Douchebaggus released a statement on IW’s website, defending the changes. Stating that he “wants to build on the success of including the casual gamers into the COD family and making the experience more enjoyable and easier to use.” Press release as follows:
There has been a lot of outrage in the community over the proposed changes to the Call of Duty franchise recently. While resistance to change is understandable (as well as futile), the changes were made in the interest of “Gaming Justice” a movement that is beyond your ability to control and in your best interest, though you’re too stupid to know it yet. That said, allow me to explain each of the changes to the bottom-feeding, knuckle-dragging hardcore gamer that our research indicates makes up -1.8% of our customers.
No Keyboard & Mouse Support
While it may seem absurd that we won’t be supporting the long time standbys of control, we felt that controlling two non-moving objects at the same time was just too complicated for the casual gamer. While the hardcore gamers are able to intuitively use this archaic, complex system of control, the casual gamer can’t walk and chew gum at the same time and thus, often get eviscerated like a King Crab in Alaska during fishing season.
In the spirit of Gaming Justice, we’ve opted to consolidate the various controlling systems available into a single controller. Though inspired by the standard console controller, our proprietary controller differs in that it only has two buttons and no control sticks. Pressing the left button selects the nearest target that our automatic targeting system determines is most likely to be hit. Pressing the right button fires your weapon. The controller is sold separately for $79.95.
We’ve also done away with manual movement control in favor of an automatic system. Since shooting while on the move, or even handling moving and shooting separately are beyond the capabilities of the brain-dead ADD zombies that make up the casual gaming community, movement is handled automatically. Players cannot opt out of this system because it wouldn’t be fair if some could manually place their character where they wanted to while others could not, even though it requires about as much brain power as eating a bowl of Fruit Loops.
Hardware Analysis & Linking System (HAL System)
We realized that most of the people who play Call of Duty have the mental prowess of a mosquito in a coma and are not able to even sort a simple server list. In fact, the matchmaking system was even too complicated for them so we decided to remove all thought on the part of the player. While the HAL system seems like a bad idea, it really isn’t. Besides, if you don’t like it there’s nothing you can do about it anyway.
When the player starts the game and goes into the multiplayer screen, the HAL system automatically analyzes the player’s hardware and determines the games currently available that are suitable to play in. This will ensure that each game is being played by players with the exact same hardware in order to eliminate players with expensive machines turning those with cheaper machines into pinkish-red gelatinous blobs of gibbdom. While the HAL system does basically destroy the clan system, they were just a bunch of pimply-faced celibates living in their parents’ basements anyway. Use your pizza-delivery money to hire a hooker and get laid guys. Seriously.
A la Carte Weapons & Ammo
Another change is the a la carte system for weapons and ammo. Continuing on the theme of gaming justice, most casual gamers typically find a single weapon that they can hit the broadside of aircraft carrier with (usually something with high-explosive ammunition that has a guidance system, is rocket-propelled and has a blast radius approximately that of a 5 kiloton nuclear device) and use that weapon exclusively. They don’t even touch the other weapons that require actual skill to use and even hit something with.
Out of the box, the game will not come with weapons or ammo, or even body armor for that matter. You character will come with, free of charge, boxers and standard issue army boots, unless you opt for the backwater terrorist cave dwellers, in which case you will have to complete the “Beat up the Village Idiot and take his sandals” challenge to acquire some sandals.
Each weapon will be available for $10USD each. Once purchased, the DLC will be available for use, though only if ammunition is also purchased at $0.10 per round. We understand that this impacts those who favor the M60 and other machine guns but if you need a belt-fed weapon to stand a snowball’s chance in hell of hitting something, you really shouldn’t be playing the game in the first place. Try a Leapfrog game.
Though this system may seem harsh, the casual gamers don’t use 90% of the weapons in the game, so why should they pay for them? In order to appeal to them, they will not be required to pay for weapons they couldn’t use to hit the ground if they had the muzzle buried in 6 inches of dirt.
Also, body armor will be offered. Not having body armor is an option and will allow you to move like a Congressman whose wife just walked in on he and his mistress, but you will also have the survivability of T-bone in the Amazon River. Conversely, you can purchase Crypto-noob armor which will make you all but invincible, though you will only be able to move at the speed of a 1,400 pound man in a dead sprint.
Ammo Equalizer
This is the one change we are really proud of. It’s probably also the one the community hates most. The ammo equalizer automatically adjusts the effectiveness of a round using a mathematical model that takes into account hit ratio, kill-to-death ratio, ping and astrological sign.
With this system, players who suck enough *** to make a porn star jealous will have rounds that are not just one shot kill, but will actually prevent the victim from respawning until the next full moon. Conversely (that means on the other hand to the PC community), a one-man army will be using ammunition roughly equivalent in power to a 1/8” spitwad fired by an asthmatic toddler. While we understand that the really good players will have to spend massive amounts of money on ammo, gaming justice demands a level playing field. If you want to beat up on poor defenseless creatures incapable of defending themselves even with high-caliber weaponry (as in COD4: MW1), we suggest you take up clubbing baby seals.
We also recognize that some of these changes may cause the game to cost somewhere between $250 and $250,000 so, to assist the hardcore portion of the community in participating in the anal-violating experience of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3, we’re offering 10-year, 2.9%APR financing for qualified customers.
We truly believe that the changes we’ve made will vastly improve the franchise and make for a much better, more fair and righteous experience for the gaming community. And if you don’t like them, too bad. All your base belong to us anyway. See you on the battlefield!
Satire written by -=NC=- Aramus_O
resent::mud::awes2
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