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I am a Noob.
There's nothing wrong with being a Noob. Well, ok, there is, but it's like being kissing cousins as opposed to married cousins with kids: redemption is still an option. If you, like me, have the hardest time putting bullets on bad guys and have the phrase "Time to Spawn:" burned into your monitor, don't give up the ghost yet: there is still hope. You can still have fun as a Noob and, with a little effort and focus, you can also avoid making everyone else around you completely miserable. Although it will still take practice, here are a few keys to becoming a better Noob that are well within even the most Noobish Noob's capability and that don't take 18 hours a day for months to master.
The Dos and Don'ts of Being a Good Noob:
DO Practice, Practice, Practice ... By Yourself
Playing BF2 single-player is like masturbating: it's nothing to be ashamed of, but nothing to be proud of, either. Everyone does it and pretends they don't. Don't listen to all the bad hype out there, there's some real value in playing BF2 single-player, especially as a Noob. Some of the real basics that most of the Freakin' Noobs out there haven't grasped yet are best learned in single-player: How do you set and then detonate C4? How do you drop bags of health? What's that flagpole mean? Where's the Quad damage power-up? The intense fast-action multi-player arena is simply not the place to try to figure out these kinds of questions. Spend LOTS of time on single-player, push all the buttons, shoot all the weapons, jump off all the ledges, crash into all the crates. You will see some improvement and may even end up kicking butt on single-player. While this ego boost is a good thing, PLEASE, whatever you do, don't brag to anyone else that you rock on single-player. Spanking an AI soldier is nowhere near the same thing as a human-controlled soldier and everyone but you knows it.
DON'T Experiment with Humans
A full multiplayer server is not the first time to try out your helicopter skills, especially not if the helicopter is a transport loaded with 7 other teammates. Don't try setting off C4 on a friendly tank to see if it'll do any damage, either, especially not if there's a teammate in there. Anything you can try out for the first time in single-player you should try out for the first time in single-player. Multiplayer servers where not enough people have joined on yet ("The game will start when # more players join") is an exception here. It's really the only way to check out the large maps since you can't play them single-player, so feel free to be as much of a Freakin' Noob as you want, just try to stay away from real people.
DO Shoot the Bad Guys
It is extremely painful to see a Noob lined up for a perfect shot on a bad guy and not fire a single bullet. It is even more painful to see a Noob hogging a perfect ambush location and just letting bad guys run past him. Bad guys MUST be shot at. This is their whole raison d'etre (raisin muffin), the very reason they wake up every morning. You're doing them AND your team a great disservice by not shooting at them. Plus, shooting at bad guys is a great way to kill them which is, coincidentally, the whole point of BF2. Try it some time.
DON'T Shoot Your Teammates
Of all the DON'Ts, this tendency makes us Noobs the most unpopular. So what if we're just being goofy? Once Noobs start killing innocent teammates, then we're fair game to be taunted, ridiculed, and TK'd. Although the concept sounds deceptively simple (Don't Shoot Your Teammates) there are many aspects most Noobs just don't get, so I'll spell a few out here: Don't Shoot The Plane Your Teammates Are In, Don't Shoot the Tank Your Teammates Are In, Don't Shoot the Hummer Your Teammates Are In... do see the pattern? Also, don't throw grenades near teammates, or where your teammates are currently headed. Don't set and then detonate C4 around your teammates. Don't run them over with those cool little go-carts. If you find yourself confused about which soldiers are on your side, try to remember that red is bad guy. Write it on a post-it note and stick it on your monitor; on the frame, not the actual screen, you Noob.
DO Be a Courteous Driver
If you feel adventurous enough to hop behind the steering wheel of a vehicle, use it. And, for the love of all that's decent, don't go spinning around in circles and jumping off ramps just "cus it fn!!1!" First of all, don't even get behind the wheel of a vehicle if you don't know what you're doing. Go single-player and check out the different vehicles first. Gulf of Oman is a good single player map to try out land vehicles from tank to Hummer, and you can get some helicopter practice on Dalian Plant or Daqing Oil Fields. Once you can get around without crashing AT ALL, you're ready for real-time. When driving a vehicle with passenger seats, stop to pick up soldiers who ask for rides. Be sure to holler "Get In!" a couple times before taking off to give anyone else a chance to hop in. Don't hang out in the parking lot forever, waiting for a full ride, but don't just jet off either. When driving a helicopter or jet (which you probably have no business in anyways), don't crash it, whatever you do. Make the bad guy shoot you down, if you have to, but don't crash it! And kamikaze maneuvers, no matter what you've heard, are not cool. They're a stupid waste of a vehicle. If the only way you can get kills in a vehicle is by ramming it into others, you're a Freakin' Noob: try something else.
DON'T Commit GTH (Grand Theft Hummer)
On maps with more players, vehicles go pretty quickly. Luckily, there's a strict and well-developed etiquette about who gets the vehicle when it respawns: first come, first serve. Usually, though, there's already someone waiting there for it. On those frequent occasions when you respawn back at base and start hot-footing it back to your next death, if a tank or Hummer pops into existence right in front of you, don't just hop into it. Check to see if another soldier was hanging around waiting for it. Let them have it: they're going to be a better driver than you, anyway. Of course, this DON'T does not apply to the enemy. If you're behind enemy lines and see one of their vehicles pop up, grab it to keep it out of their hands, even if you just drive it back to your base and hop out.
DO Follow the Leader
Generally, as a Noob, you have no idea what's going on around you. It takes skill and experience to read the nuances of a battlefield and figure out where to go next and you have neither. Don't try to figure out what's going on yourself, you'll just hurt yourself and embarrass the rest of us Noobs. Look for people who look like they know where they're going and follow them. Chances are you're going to someplace fun. And, if you're really lucky, you may even have a chance to be helpful. Join a squad and follow the green dots around in your mini-map, if you've figured out how to read the mini-map.
DON'T Follow the Loner
Some people don't like being followed. Snipers try to get to well secluded areas to pick off bad guys and really don't like a lot of attention. A totally Noob thing to do is to follow a Sniper around as a Support guy and keep throwing ammo bags at him. The bad guys see you before they see him, and they're usually smart enough to figure out what you're doing and will cap both you and the sniper, making Noobs even more unpopular. Spec Ops who paint their car with C4 don't want you tagging along, either. Some people just want to be left alone, so leave them alone. Same with squads: you may find that your squad either completely ignores you or even kicks you off their squad. You're a Noob, don't take it personally, just leave them alone.
DO Spot Bad Guys
Learn to use your radio (defaults to "q" button) to spot bad guys. Point at them, press and hold "q", then press your shooting button (while still holding "q", you Noob). Instantly their location shows up on all your teammates' mini-maps. Remember to let go of "q" eventually. Pointing out things like helicopters and tanks is extremely helpful, but don't forget to point out foot infantry, especially snipers. These little bits of information are usually watched by the non-Noobs to help get a better idea of the battlefield picture.
DON'T Be Gabby
Once you've spotted a bad guy, he stays on the mini-map for a few seconds. Calling out "Enemy Armor Spotted!" every second only annoys your teammates and doesn't add any information, except that you're a Freakin' Noob. Be just as frugal with your "Affirmatives" and "Need a Rides" and all your other calls you feel you have to make. The radio isn't your personal Karaoke machine, so lay off and let important traffic go through.
DO Read Your Mini-map
Although you shouldn't spend all day staring at it, take a look at your mini-map every once in a while. It shows your location as well as some other interesting things, if they're near enough. Every friendly shows up on the map as well as empty vehicles and anti-air stations. You can also see checkpoints and which side owns it. Remember that red = bad? Red dots and other shapes (like tanks) indicate bad guys and their vehicles. If you've happened to join a squad you may also see various command icons, but all you need to know is that your squad leader wants you to go where the yellow line tells you.
DON'T Stand Outside in the Metal Rain
One of the many things you'll hear in BF2 that should scare you and won't is "Artillery, your location". This means your Commander has ordered an artillery strike somewhere on the map. While this usually means that the bad guys are about to get a lead-rain beat down, if you're not careful, you will too. Check your mini-map: if you see a set of blinking red circles, run away from them. This is where the incoming will be coming in. Getting killed by your own team's artillery is not only stupid, but it takes team points away from your Commander, and makes him hate Noobs even more.
DO Listen to Comms
At the far left of the screen you'll see a bunch of text. Much of that is automated responses, telling you about incoming artillery or who killed who or who is requesting ammo, etc. Some of it, however, are personal messages from other players to other players. They may be trying to organize a maneuver against the enemy, warn teammates about land mines, or telling you what they think of someone else's mother. As you get more comfortable with walking and shooting, try to keep an eye on the message log for messages that may pertain to you ("Einstein, join our squad", or "GET OUT OF THE @$#& ARTY, FREAKIN' NOOB!!!"). At the least, try to pick up the lingo so you can hide your Noobness when you absolutely have to respond to messages.
DON'T Chat
No one plays BF2 to form social bonds with other players except Freakin' Noobs. If you're looking for chat-buddies try World of Warcraft or Second Life. BF2 players are here to kill you and then rub it in your face. Sending hate messages when you get killed is a bad idea, too. The whole point of the game is for the bad guys to kill you, remember? To be completely honest, there *are* cheaters and Hacks out there, but it's always much more likely that you just got killed by someone more skilled or lucky than you. Just because you can't aim a rocket launcher doesn't mean that someone who can is cheating. Commenting on their mother's sex life just gets you more worked up and eggs them on. Besides, you've got plenty of other things to work on before you can devote time to mastering the art of playful banter.
I hope the above tricks and tips will help you become a better Noob. I know they won't make you a stellar player (they haven't helped me), but if you can learn to play the game in a way that you enjoy that doesn't piss off everyone around you, then we all win!
There's nothing wrong with being a Noob. Well, ok, there is, but it's like being kissing cousins as opposed to married cousins with kids: redemption is still an option. If you, like me, have the hardest time putting bullets on bad guys and have the phrase "Time to Spawn:" burned into your monitor, don't give up the ghost yet: there is still hope. You can still have fun as a Noob and, with a little effort and focus, you can also avoid making everyone else around you completely miserable. Although it will still take practice, here are a few keys to becoming a better Noob that are well within even the most Noobish Noob's capability and that don't take 18 hours a day for months to master.
The Dos and Don'ts of Being a Good Noob:
DO Practice, Practice, Practice ... By Yourself
Playing BF2 single-player is like masturbating: it's nothing to be ashamed of, but nothing to be proud of, either. Everyone does it and pretends they don't. Don't listen to all the bad hype out there, there's some real value in playing BF2 single-player, especially as a Noob. Some of the real basics that most of the Freakin' Noobs out there haven't grasped yet are best learned in single-player: How do you set and then detonate C4? How do you drop bags of health? What's that flagpole mean? Where's the Quad damage power-up? The intense fast-action multi-player arena is simply not the place to try to figure out these kinds of questions. Spend LOTS of time on single-player, push all the buttons, shoot all the weapons, jump off all the ledges, crash into all the crates. You will see some improvement and may even end up kicking butt on single-player. While this ego boost is a good thing, PLEASE, whatever you do, don't brag to anyone else that you rock on single-player. Spanking an AI soldier is nowhere near the same thing as a human-controlled soldier and everyone but you knows it.
DON'T Experiment with Humans
A full multiplayer server is not the first time to try out your helicopter skills, especially not if the helicopter is a transport loaded with 7 other teammates. Don't try setting off C4 on a friendly tank to see if it'll do any damage, either, especially not if there's a teammate in there. Anything you can try out for the first time in single-player you should try out for the first time in single-player. Multiplayer servers where not enough people have joined on yet ("The game will start when # more players join") is an exception here. It's really the only way to check out the large maps since you can't play them single-player, so feel free to be as much of a Freakin' Noob as you want, just try to stay away from real people.
DO Shoot the Bad Guys
It is extremely painful to see a Noob lined up for a perfect shot on a bad guy and not fire a single bullet. It is even more painful to see a Noob hogging a perfect ambush location and just letting bad guys run past him. Bad guys MUST be shot at. This is their whole raison d'etre (raisin muffin), the very reason they wake up every morning. You're doing them AND your team a great disservice by not shooting at them. Plus, shooting at bad guys is a great way to kill them which is, coincidentally, the whole point of BF2. Try it some time.
DON'T Shoot Your Teammates
Of all the DON'Ts, this tendency makes us Noobs the most unpopular. So what if we're just being goofy? Once Noobs start killing innocent teammates, then we're fair game to be taunted, ridiculed, and TK'd. Although the concept sounds deceptively simple (Don't Shoot Your Teammates) there are many aspects most Noobs just don't get, so I'll spell a few out here: Don't Shoot The Plane Your Teammates Are In, Don't Shoot the Tank Your Teammates Are In, Don't Shoot the Hummer Your Teammates Are In... do see the pattern? Also, don't throw grenades near teammates, or where your teammates are currently headed. Don't set and then detonate C4 around your teammates. Don't run them over with those cool little go-carts. If you find yourself confused about which soldiers are on your side, try to remember that red is bad guy. Write it on a post-it note and stick it on your monitor; on the frame, not the actual screen, you Noob.
DO Be a Courteous Driver
If you feel adventurous enough to hop behind the steering wheel of a vehicle, use it. And, for the love of all that's decent, don't go spinning around in circles and jumping off ramps just "cus it fn!!1!" First of all, don't even get behind the wheel of a vehicle if you don't know what you're doing. Go single-player and check out the different vehicles first. Gulf of Oman is a good single player map to try out land vehicles from tank to Hummer, and you can get some helicopter practice on Dalian Plant or Daqing Oil Fields. Once you can get around without crashing AT ALL, you're ready for real-time. When driving a vehicle with passenger seats, stop to pick up soldiers who ask for rides. Be sure to holler "Get In!" a couple times before taking off to give anyone else a chance to hop in. Don't hang out in the parking lot forever, waiting for a full ride, but don't just jet off either. When driving a helicopter or jet (which you probably have no business in anyways), don't crash it, whatever you do. Make the bad guy shoot you down, if you have to, but don't crash it! And kamikaze maneuvers, no matter what you've heard, are not cool. They're a stupid waste of a vehicle. If the only way you can get kills in a vehicle is by ramming it into others, you're a Freakin' Noob: try something else.
DON'T Commit GTH (Grand Theft Hummer)
On maps with more players, vehicles go pretty quickly. Luckily, there's a strict and well-developed etiquette about who gets the vehicle when it respawns: first come, first serve. Usually, though, there's already someone waiting there for it. On those frequent occasions when you respawn back at base and start hot-footing it back to your next death, if a tank or Hummer pops into existence right in front of you, don't just hop into it. Check to see if another soldier was hanging around waiting for it. Let them have it: they're going to be a better driver than you, anyway. Of course, this DON'T does not apply to the enemy. If you're behind enemy lines and see one of their vehicles pop up, grab it to keep it out of their hands, even if you just drive it back to your base and hop out.
DO Follow the Leader
Generally, as a Noob, you have no idea what's going on around you. It takes skill and experience to read the nuances of a battlefield and figure out where to go next and you have neither. Don't try to figure out what's going on yourself, you'll just hurt yourself and embarrass the rest of us Noobs. Look for people who look like they know where they're going and follow them. Chances are you're going to someplace fun. And, if you're really lucky, you may even have a chance to be helpful. Join a squad and follow the green dots around in your mini-map, if you've figured out how to read the mini-map.
DON'T Follow the Loner
Some people don't like being followed. Snipers try to get to well secluded areas to pick off bad guys and really don't like a lot of attention. A totally Noob thing to do is to follow a Sniper around as a Support guy and keep throwing ammo bags at him. The bad guys see you before they see him, and they're usually smart enough to figure out what you're doing and will cap both you and the sniper, making Noobs even more unpopular. Spec Ops who paint their car with C4 don't want you tagging along, either. Some people just want to be left alone, so leave them alone. Same with squads: you may find that your squad either completely ignores you or even kicks you off their squad. You're a Noob, don't take it personally, just leave them alone.
DO Spot Bad Guys
Learn to use your radio (defaults to "q" button) to spot bad guys. Point at them, press and hold "q", then press your shooting button (while still holding "q", you Noob). Instantly their location shows up on all your teammates' mini-maps. Remember to let go of "q" eventually. Pointing out things like helicopters and tanks is extremely helpful, but don't forget to point out foot infantry, especially snipers. These little bits of information are usually watched by the non-Noobs to help get a better idea of the battlefield picture.
DON'T Be Gabby
Once you've spotted a bad guy, he stays on the mini-map for a few seconds. Calling out "Enemy Armor Spotted!" every second only annoys your teammates and doesn't add any information, except that you're a Freakin' Noob. Be just as frugal with your "Affirmatives" and "Need a Rides" and all your other calls you feel you have to make. The radio isn't your personal Karaoke machine, so lay off and let important traffic go through.
DO Read Your Mini-map
Although you shouldn't spend all day staring at it, take a look at your mini-map every once in a while. It shows your location as well as some other interesting things, if they're near enough. Every friendly shows up on the map as well as empty vehicles and anti-air stations. You can also see checkpoints and which side owns it. Remember that red = bad? Red dots and other shapes (like tanks) indicate bad guys and their vehicles. If you've happened to join a squad you may also see various command icons, but all you need to know is that your squad leader wants you to go where the yellow line tells you.
DON'T Stand Outside in the Metal Rain
One of the many things you'll hear in BF2 that should scare you and won't is "Artillery, your location". This means your Commander has ordered an artillery strike somewhere on the map. While this usually means that the bad guys are about to get a lead-rain beat down, if you're not careful, you will too. Check your mini-map: if you see a set of blinking red circles, run away from them. This is where the incoming will be coming in. Getting killed by your own team's artillery is not only stupid, but it takes team points away from your Commander, and makes him hate Noobs even more.
DO Listen to Comms
At the far left of the screen you'll see a bunch of text. Much of that is automated responses, telling you about incoming artillery or who killed who or who is requesting ammo, etc. Some of it, however, are personal messages from other players to other players. They may be trying to organize a maneuver against the enemy, warn teammates about land mines, or telling you what they think of someone else's mother. As you get more comfortable with walking and shooting, try to keep an eye on the message log for messages that may pertain to you ("Einstein, join our squad", or "GET OUT OF THE @$#& ARTY, FREAKIN' NOOB!!!"). At the least, try to pick up the lingo so you can hide your Noobness when you absolutely have to respond to messages.
DON'T Chat
No one plays BF2 to form social bonds with other players except Freakin' Noobs. If you're looking for chat-buddies try World of Warcraft or Second Life. BF2 players are here to kill you and then rub it in your face. Sending hate messages when you get killed is a bad idea, too. The whole point of the game is for the bad guys to kill you, remember? To be completely honest, there *are* cheaters and Hacks out there, but it's always much more likely that you just got killed by someone more skilled or lucky than you. Just because you can't aim a rocket launcher doesn't mean that someone who can is cheating. Commenting on their mother's sex life just gets you more worked up and eggs them on. Besides, you've got plenty of other things to work on before you can devote time to mastering the art of playful banter.
I hope the above tricks and tips will help you become a better Noob. I know they won't make you a stellar player (they haven't helped me), but if you can learn to play the game in a way that you enjoy that doesn't piss off everyone around you, then we all win!
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